There’s another Transformers move coming out in a couple weeks. I’d stopped paying attention after 2011’s Dark of the Moon, which was an absurd mess but worth my “technically paid to see The Tree Of Life”money for this climactic scene alone: Megatron (Hugo Weaving) tells Optimus Prime (PETER CULLEN), “Who would you be without me?” and my boy responds, “Time to find out!” before whooping his ass with just one arm. I’d hoped for a similar exchange between Donald Trump and Joe Biden at the 2020 debates but there’s always 2024 (unfortunately).
I learned about the upcoming Transformers movie, Rise of the Beasts, not through traditional nerd channels but from whacked-out right-wingers who are obsessing over robot junk.
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Professional terrible person Laura Ingraham ranted about Transformers on her Friday show. She was actually fixated on the cartoon series, “Transformers: EarthSpark,” which has been on the air since November. However, researching this post is how I discovered that the latest movie installment exists and arrives in theaters on June 7. Ingraham’s tirade is well-timed cross promotion.
Fox News
Ingraham lost it over a new “Terran Transformer” named Nightshade (voiced by Z Infante) who is non-binary and uses “they” pronouns. This was the lead story for her show Friday.
“As a parent, you often ask yourself, ‘What do my kids need?'” said the woman most likely to inspire another Mommie Dearest memoir. “A loving family, a roof over their heads, a life grounded in faith and freedom. But you probably never thought what they really, really need is a non-binary robot. But that’s exactly what Paramount thinks they need, because in ‘Transformers: Earth Spark,’ that’s what they’re giving them.”
OK, so in case you’re not up on Transformers basics: The lead characters are alien robots. They don’t have robot genitalia — we know this because they also don’t have robot pants — and there’s no indication that they reproduce sexually. Transphobic bigots such as Ingraham, Megyn Kelly, and Matt Walsh have insisted that “men” and “women” are strictly defined by their genitalia and how they reproduce. Republicans have literally passed laws with these restrictive definitions. You’d think they would appreciate that Nightshade doesn’t identity as male or female. They should complain about Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and the other classic Transformers who identify as male despite clearly not having a robot penis (or presumably male specific robot chromosomes).
Although, the Generation One Megatron from 1984 had what my classmate Bo called “a gun dick” when in robot mode. Megatron transformed into a very lifelike Walther P38 semiautomatic pistol, so my mother never let me have him.
Megatron with gun dick and in dangerous gun mode
The 1980s Transformers were originally all dudes who hung out together, and the heroic Autobots actively recruited young human teens to their cause. Later on, the show introduced a few women Autobots, most famously Arcee, who transformed into a pink convertible. She had some curves on her but according to Kansas law, she still wasn’t a woman because she doesn’t have a “biological reproductive system … developed to produce ova.” However, even during the Reagan era, we weren’t demanding to look under the hood of every Transformer. We accepted their stated gender identity. We had no problem using he/him pronouns for the talking car on “Knight Rider,” and he didn’t even have a stick shift. We weren’t jerks.
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