Greetings, decadent Western fuck bunnies of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here again to, how do you say, hang ten on you? Shoot the sugar? Sit on egg and spin it? English idioms very confusing to Vladimir.
Is very exciting time in America, yes? With election of new president and new Congress and upcoming day of gratitude to eat potatoes like Russian peasants and Hallmark Christmas movies season starting. Will beautiful lawyer reeling from breakup find love again in small hometown when she returns for holidays? Will chef who dreams of owning own restaurant fall in love with annoying new owner of current one? Stay tuned!
Russians love Hallmark movies. Is true! Which is why we are making own Hallmark channel for Christmas movies. Is Russian Orthodox Christmas, so clergy characters will be very bearded and wearing giant hats. First movie will air soon.
What is plot? Imagine this: Wholesome Russian schoolgirl falls for handsome Russian fighter pilot she meets during All Night Vigil at Novgorod church. They marry a week later and have many strong-boned Russian children. Then he dies in training accident, leaving her destitute, forced to work for nothing in dublyonka factory to support strong-boned children. Russian children are healthy eaters!
Then girl dies in terrible accident with industrial sewing machine. Russian president comes to funeral to celebrate her patriotism in field of making dublyonkas to warm fellow citizens. Children are separated, sent to orphanages, and never see each other again. Film ends on shot of sheep being flensed while Russian national anthem plays.
Do not cry, Wonkette. In Russia this is very happy ending! Movie is even based on Dostoevsky novel, probably.
Bah, enough about upbeat Russian filmmaking! We can talk more at next Oscars. No, Vladimir is here on business. Wonkette, finally is time for moment all America has waited for: As day of last election you will ever have dawns in your decaying nation, Vladimir will make his endorsement for your next president!
You have all been on edge of seat, yes? You have been wondering, who will Vladimir choose for President? Will he choose bronzed god Donald Trump, a simpleton? Or will he choose cackling hyena woman? Will he choose subservient idiot who can be distracted by dangling keys in front of him like circus bear, or will he choose pantsuit with Jew husband and teeth whiter than Gorky Park in winter?
Well, let me take suspense off your heads. I, Vladimir Putin, president of Russia and potentate of all Eastern Europe, hereby endorse Donald J. Trump to be your next American president! Again.
Shocking, yes? Ha ha, no. Vladimir just loves sarcasm.
Is no secret that we Russians love Donald Trump. We talk him up on our newscasts. We have even been making movies to help campaign. Nothing as high-level as The Great Patriotic Girl from Novgorod and the Dublyonka Factory. But still, we try to cater to American audience. Americans are mad that illegal immigrants kidnapping and eating neighbor’s Lhasa Apso? Imagine how mad they will be when they see movie of illegal immigrants illegally voting for hyena woman in swing state! Or antifa soldier destroying ballots in post office!
Yes, your American intelligence agencies noticed. FBI is perhaps not completely full of gullible misogynists. But we can make many videos, FBI cannot catch them all.
That you are even having election is miracle, frankly. Last election, I ask great friend of Russian people Donald Trump, why? I tell him, you are powerful man! Why not simply order this Joe Biden imprisoned or killed? Why not simply put him under house arrest at Delaware beach dacha? Then threaten greatest newspaper New York Times to be nice to you or you will shoot them. All vote counters will know who to count votes for then, believe me.
Actually, that New York Times one was probably unnecessary.
But Donald is such lazy and cowardly man. He tweeted a lot. He gave speech and sent mooing herds of American cows at Capitol to yell and poop on desks while he went home and threw meat burger at wall. This is serious insurrection? Moscow Dynamo fans do worse if team loses championship.
Wonkette, why did Donald simply not have Justice Department lawyers who opposed him arrested? Why did he not threaten to send judge and entire family to Siberian prison colony? Why did he not just say to judge, “High floor you live on here. Be shame if you got too near open window.”
Again, lazy and cowardly. Which is why Vladimir needs him in office again!
Luckily for us, your American justice system is terrible. All this yerunda about rights and appeals and needing evidence to convict and so on. What der’mo! So much time wasted.
Do you remember Boris Yeltsin? He stood on tank during coup, then became president, then glorious Russian state reduced to begging Americans to open McDonald’s here. Imagine if we had just sent him to Siberia. How did you not learn from Russian mistake?
Well. Is no matter now. Donald will win and hyena woman will return to diseased city of Hollywood in shame. Then America will not send weapons to phony “nation” of Ukraine and there will be glorious Russian victory. Then, vodka.
So remember Vladimir’s endorsement and vote carefully, Wonkette! Or else I will shoot you. Ha ha, more kidding! I’ll tell great friend and subservient imperialist lackey Donald Trump to do it. Will be great fun!
[CBS News]
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